There’s no doubt that managing performance anxiety is one of the most common hurdles faced by classical musicians. Below is a selection of the lessons and tools I’ve learned on my personal journey navigating performance nerves as a professional classical musician. I’ve spoken to many musicians who felt very alone while going through similar struggles, so I’m putting everything out in the open in the hopes that it helps more people find support. Performance anxiety is such a common part of being a performing musician, but it can become debilitating and limit our ability to reach our full potential.
You don’t overcome fear, you manage it
I spent many years trying to never fail, and when failure wasn’t an option, the pressure I put on each performance was debilitating. That pressure made my anticipatory anxiety more extreme, and led to a vicious cycle of fearing the fear. Every time I opened my instrument became a challenge of my self worth.
When we seek validation and approval, we inevitably open the door to judgment and critique. Fear of failure is inextricably linked to potential for success. If you perform regularly, it is impossible to avoid moments of weakness or inattention that make us feel embarrassment or shame. We have to accept the risk of failure, and even it’s inevitability. Getting comfortable with the possibility of having a less than ideal performance is part of shrinking the anxiety surrounding it.
Social anxiety: auditions vs performances
My worst performance anxiety comes out when I perform in front of friends or colleagues. Turns out that my greatest fear is embarrassment in front of people who I want to respect me. This usually means I’m more nervous for small concerts in front of friends than I am for auditions- who cares if I embarrass myself in front of a jury of people I don’t know and may never see again? I know a lot of musicians have the opposite problem: auditions are explicitly about being judged good enough or not, while performances supposedly have no resulting grade. Whichever it is, learning how your own personal social anxiety manifests can help pinpoint the elements that need attention.
The brain is still developing into your mid twenties
Why is it so common for musicians to develop debilitating nerves during college and postgraduate years? The prefrontal cortex, which manages thinking, emotions, and behavior, is still developing through our early adulthood, until about age 25. The basic chemistry of our brains and neural connections are still changing in college! I remember looking back at two solo performances I had when I was 17 and 18 and wondering why I managed to easily then and couldn’t now. It’s helpful to remember that our brains aren’t the same at age 17 as they are at age 25. With the high pressure of a music conservatory and young adulthood, it’s not surprising that many people will develop more anxiety.
Anxiety disorders
An underlying anxiety disorder can be part of the reason for debilitating performance anxiety. My general anxiety mounted slowly through my two years studying at The Juilliard School. In 2019 I had a series of panic attacks triggered by the anticipatory fear of my graduation recital and planned move to Indiana for my first orchestra contract. l couldn’t sleep or eat, and believed I was having a heart attack several times. I scheduled an urgent visit to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. He recommended I buy the Panic Attacks Workbook by David Carbonell. I discounted this at first, because I didn’t believe a book was going to help me in what felt like very personal and unique circumstances. But when I read the introduction, it felt like the book was written about me. Knowing I wasn’t alone, and that there was a name to my struggle as well as a whole set of tools to cope and heal from them, was an immense relief. Even if you aren’t diagnosed with a disorder, methods to cope with and diminish anxiety and panic attacks can be used to treat performance-specific anxiety.
These are a few of the explanations I have found for why I had developed such intense performance anxiety. But what to do about it?
Balance of identities: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
Establishing a strong sense of self worth outside of music performance can lessen the feeling of risk that comes with any performance we consider high-pressure. The worst case scenario most of us are afraid of when we perform comes down to fear of embarrassment or ridicule. If our entire identity is based on our musical skill, a bad musical day can result in feeling worthless as a person. If you foster self worth in various areas of your life, your whole identity isn’t on the line every time you perform. Having a bad concert, after all, is not a question of life or death.
Putting more value on parts of my life outside of music was one of the most effective things I did to alleviate my performance anxiety. I worked a non-music job and got promoted to a manager position, I began to put more time into active hobbies like yoga and running, I spent more time thinking about all the skills and value I had in parts of my life and identity that had nothing to do with viola performance. Seeking out self worth elsewhere created a healthier balance and my performances became more fun and less terrifying.
Mindfulness practice
Mindfulness practices like yoga and meditation teach your brain a calm state of mind that can become instinctive over time. When that state of calm is practiced regularly, it becomes easier to access when you may need it, like when you find yourself falling into an anxiety loop. After 6 years of practicing meditation and yoga, it has become increasingly easier for me to choose to put myself into that state, particularly when I can feel the familiar symptoms of anxiety building in my muscles.
This is very common advice, and in the past I found it insulting, as if some slow breathing could really help my complex anxiety based on longstanding thought patterns and previous traumatic performance experiences. At the moments where my anxiety was at its peak, going to a yoga class or closing my eyes for a few minutes before going on stage would have done nothing to help me. The key is that it only works in the long run. It is a mindset that is practiced, in the same way that you may practice your instrument.
CBT therapy
CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and is scientifically-proven to be one of the most effective ways of diminishing anxiety problems. How you talk to yourself can directly affect your body’s reactions and how fear manifests itself. CBT helped me realize I had been treating my thoughts as truths instead of beliefs. I learned to recognize “if” statements that ran through my head, then work to disprove the irrational elements. A few examples of common thoughts that I had, and how I corrected them:
- “If I don’t practice today, it’s proof that I’m not disciplined enough to be successful.”
- Correction: If I don’t practice today, I can try again tomorrow. We all have off days, and I can’t expect myself to be perfectly disciplined all the time. Tomorrow I’ll try a new strategy to motivate myself to practice. One practice session isn’t going to make or break my career.
- “If I get the bow shakes in this concert, my colleagues will never want to play with me again.”
- Correction: If I get the bow shakes in this concert, my colleagues might notice that I’m nervous and feel bad for me, and they might feel a bit frustrated. They’ll probably also feel empathetic, it’s probably happened to them too. At worst they may pick a different musician to play with next time. In that case, I know someone else will still want to work with me, there are plenty of other musicians!
- “If I don’t get to sleep tonight, I’m gonna need to drink coffee tomorrow morning and that’ll trigger my bow shakes.”
- Correction: If I don’t get to sleep tonight, I might be tired tomorrow and I might drink coffee that’ll might trigger bow shakes. But the worst case scenario is I have a bad concert and I’m embarrassed. My career won’t be over.
- “If I take a beta blocker for this performance, it’s proof that I’m weak and can’t play without being dependent on a crutch.”
- Correction: If I take a beta blocker for this performance, it’s a reminder that I care how it goes and my body’s response to adrenaline is less than ideal for playing a string instrument. It’s okay to use medication that helps me.
- “If my colleagues knew that I take beta blockers even for casual chamber concerts, they wouldn’t respect me anymore.”
- Correction: If my colleagues knew that I take beta blockers even for casual chamber concerts, some people may judge me, and others may feel relieved since they also do. In the end, they probably won’t even notice or remember. No one really cares what other people do to keep themselves going!
All of these thoughts come from a natural desire to be good at what I do and respected by the people around me. But they are also examples of black and white thinking: extreme, all-or-nothing beliefs that don’t recognize the middle ground. If you allow yourself to believe thoughts like these, a small show of weakness can become a high-pressure test of your self-worth. Talking through these beliefs out loud and proving them wrong can help shrink irrational fears back to their true size.
Beta blockers
Obviously disclaimer: I am not a doctor! Always consult a medical professional before taking medication!
Beta blockers prevent your adrenaline response from manifesting in physical reactions, like hand trembling that causes bow shakes for string players. I first used beta blockers because of a near-fainting incident on stage during an orchestra concert that left me triggered by the bright lights and closed doors of a performance. Eventually I began using them for performance nerves as well, as it completely eliminated my bow shakes. Beta blockers can be truly wonderful aids to performance if the physical symptoms of adrenaline are a detriment to your ability to perform.
There’s a lot of stigma around using beta blockers because it can be judged as an “easy way out.” My response to that is: playing music is already hard enough, it’s okay to use all the tools we have to make it manageable. I had a lot of shame around using beta blockers at first, because I felt mentally reliant on them. But I’d rather be a performer that uses beta blockers than quit because my anxiety was too overwhelming. When I’m open about my use of beta blockers, other people often share that they also use them. Beta blocker use is widespread within classical music performance, but rarely talked about. If they help you, there is no shame in using them.
SSRIs
For some people, debilitating performance anxiety can be a manifestation of generalized anxiety. In my early twenties, my anxiety had gone from normal to debilitating. I spent over a year trying to address it with actions: attending CBT therapy weekly, going for daily walks, making sure to meet with friends regularly, and doing lots of meditation and breathing exercises. These things all helped, but I still felt like I was constantly treading water to stay afloat. I was mentally exhausted, and I wanted relief. I began anti-anxiety medication (escitalopram, an SSRI) after consulting my therapist and doctor. Within the first few weeks, I felt like myself again- not anxiety free, but back to a level that felt manageable and healthy. I had to get over my internalized stigmas against being medicated for a mental health problem, and the judgment I felt from others. Taking anxiety medication allowed me to begin making decisions based on my life goals, not out of fear. I don’t know anyone who has taken SSRIs who has ever regretted their decision (and I know a lot of people who have!). This medication also diminished my performance anxiety, making moments that used to send me into a panic feel doable again. SSRIs can curb overwhelming emotions to manageable levels.
Handling performance anxiety is a lifelong pursuit- we are always adapting to our changing life circumstances. I hope these anecdotes can help others with similar experiences to mine feel understood, and perhaps offer some opportunities for relief with the tools that have helped me.
I also bring all of these experiences into my private violin and viola lessons offered online and in person in Boston, MA. You can make inquiries for private lessons below: